


Sirshos'im

by daphnie_1



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Community: shipwars, Community: st_respect, Dreams, M/M, One Shot, Supernatural Elements, Supernatural romance, Wordcount: 500-1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-22
Updated: 2010-01-22
Packaged: 2017-10-11 20:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/116927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daphnie_1/pseuds/daphnie_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T Kirk was never born, and Spock is not the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sirshos'im

**Author's Note:**

> BETA: the ever talented verizonhorizon.
> 
> Written for the second challenge over at ST_Respect which involved 'aint no sunshine when she's gone.' (and..I ended up with this XD) The word limit of this round was 1000 words.

James T Kirk is never born, and the universe is not the same. People fill the gaps as best they can without even knowing that someone else should have, someone else did, stand in their place.

Time and the Universe march on despite this.

James T Kirk was never born, and Spock is not the same.

It starts when Spock is eight. He has the illogical idea that the universe is wrong. It is crazy, irrational, and even as a child he understands this. He can not identify how, or why, the universe is wrong. It just is.

The dreams start when Spock is ten. He dislikes the dreams, even though he can never remember them fully, because Vulcans should not dream.

In the first dream, he is standing in the deserts of Vulcan, the heat shocking even for him, the sun scorching overhead and nothing else in sight for miles. Apart from a small, blond, human boy.

"Hey", the human child says to him, and it must be a trick of the light because he cannot decide if his eyes are blue or brown.

"Greetings" Spock replies and the child takes a step towards him. Spock has to suppress the odd instinct to back away, to run, because the thing standing across from him is not human. He does not know how he understands this but he does.

The child takes a step forward, and the light shifts, and he understands. The child is not full, and for a moment looks almost like a hologram, a mirage in the desert heat.

It reaches out, like it's about to touch him, and Spock takes a step backwards.

Spock snaps awake, with only the vague memory of dreaming. He tells no one of this, because he will not admit that he dreams, not admit that he doesn't understand the feelings that this dream, and all the others that follow, leave him with.

It's not until he's fifteen that Spock will understand that this feeling is loss. And he tells himself that it is illogical to feel loss for something that never existed, something that he never had.

The blond child grows with him, becoming more and more solid, more real with each interaction, with each passing year.

Spock is twenty now, and they are no longer children. He is standing in the very familiar desert, the only things in these dreams that have remained the same, remained real.

"Hey," the blond man says to him, his eyes blue. Spock has come to understand that the blue eyes belong to the sharper, wilder, one. As a child he had considered the individual with brown eyes a separate being, but he has come to understand that they are facets of the same being. Spock has also come to understand that he is looking at a ghost.

"Greetings," Spock replies, the ritual intact.

The man smiles at him and Spock cannot help but almost smile in response. When he wakes Spock will remember that smile, and he will not understand why he considers it something lost.

They talk, and the blue-eyed man laughs. He laughs more readily than the brown-eyed one, but it is a sharper, harsher, sound. Then he turns to Spock, reaches out, and touches him on the hand. Spock does not object, does not back away as he should (as every single nerve in his body is screaming that he should). The blue-eyed man smiles and kisses him. Spock is suddenly cold and so, so aware that the blue-eyed man is kissing him, drawing the heat from him, or perhaps he has always been this cold.

He stops, and he speaks, clearer and sharper than he ever has done before, "You know who I am right?" he whispers in Spock's ear, and for that second he is so real, so tangible.

For the first time in his life, Spock does not have words to illustrate a concept, in either Vulcan or Standard, because no single word covers everything. The first that springs to his mind is _sirshos'im_ : soul-eater, from the stories his mother had told him as a child. He tells himself that they were just stories, and this thing, this man, is more than that.

"You are a figment of my imagination." A pause, "Perhaps my human side asserting itself."

The human shakes his head and laughs, "Seriously, you don't get it?"

"Please enlighten me."

A grin, quick as lightening. "You're the genius, you figure it out."

Spock is again reminded of one of his mother's tales. The one involving a princess that must name a fairy. Names are things of great importance, define us, and Spock understands that he is being asked to give a name. He is being asked to define.

The second word that springs to his mind is also Vulcan: _t'hy'la_ , so he repeats the word, his voice calm and low.

This gets him a smile and the blue-eyed man, his _t'hy'la_ , reaches out a hand, and Spock takes it. They kiss, and make love there on the desert sands.

Spock wakes, tired and cold, not fully understanding why but with the distinct sense that he is not real. Not whole. He shakes this thought because it is illogical, not fitting of a Vulcan, and should not be indulged along with many other thoughts. He has always entertained the notion of going to join Starfleet. He tells himself that it is only logical to cultivate multiple options, but he knows it is because he is looking for something, looking for something he's hoping to find out there in the stars. Looking for something that he understands now he has lost and must admit to himself that he can never have. Despite the fact he would wish it otherwise. To wish for something that you can't have is illogical.

That day Spock joins the Vulcan Science Academy despite their comments about his mother.

James T Kirk was never born, and Spock is not the same.

 


End file.
